It’s so easy to say “don’t ______” when correcting behavior. And there are times when it is unavoidable. But when we have the option, we should try to structure our redirections with the behaviors we want to see instead of the behaviors we don’t. 

For example: Instead of being in the car and saying “stop yelling at one another or you’ll be grounded!” You say “kids who use inside voices in the car get free time at home.” Or instead of “don’t be late to bed.” Try “kids who are ready for bed on time get to read a book.” It can even be as simple as saying “walking feet” instead of “don’t run.”

Why does this matter?

1. Many kids, especially young boys, are prone to defiance. As soon as you say don’t or no, they go “watch me.” By rephrasing it in a way that doesn’t include those words, they won’t be as likely to be initially defiant.
2. We are being clear on the behaviors we want to see. Saying don’t yell, doesn’t really tell them what behaviors you want to see. It just tells them what you don’t. There are lots of things they could do that aren’t yelling but also aren’t the behavior you want to see. By stating the behaviors you want demonstrated, you give them a clear understanding of expectations.
3. When you say kids who _____ get _____, many kids immediately think well I want that and this is the way to get that. Most kids won’t think through the implications of being grounded, or in some cases they just don’t care. But getting free time is something they understand and desire. When you set up what they get instead of what they lose, they are more likely to want it.

While this is a great strategy that often works, there are some kids and situations that will be harder than others. Give this a try the next time you’re tempted to say “don’t!”